Facebook and my Art-Brain-Philosophy Project

Mountains do not do politics,
Today, we are doing deserts not mountains,
Tomorrow, we will build the mountains peacefully.

The System drives many collectively to madness like 9/11 or the Holocaust.  This blog contains many fragments that I found that prevented me from crossing over to the side of death in the past six years via suicide due to succumbing to the collective Madness of the System telling me to conform.  I turned to philosophy in my darkest moments and discovered a reason to live to tomorrow.  Please read them.  I no longer live in that place where I was in 2009 at MIT when I wrote this post as a cry for help due to healing via the Spirit.  I tried to do a radio show with Daniel Suelo last night.  I was on Facebook with Steph from Indiana, Dan from Moab, Marianne from MIT, and a bunch of other people that I just met via KMZU.  Dan tried to get me on the air, but we ended up talking privately.  I told him how he saved my life and inspired me to detox from medication.  After deciding to dedicate my life to preventing suicide in other grad students like Jason Altom of Harvard University I spend 6 years studying the American mental health system inside and outside of Princeton, Cambridge, Atlanta, and Boston.  I have learn some things.  I have tried some heavy shit.  Zyprexa, risperdal, lithium, celexa, and lamicatal.  It does not work in our system of health care and in our capitalist system.  Those compounds have put 80 pounds on me, cost me $100,000, and have not fixed the problem.  The problem is simple, the problem of evil.  Theodicy.  If God is Good, why is there Evil?  The system is sick, I am sane.  Marianne and talked last night on Facebook while I did the show.  I drank some Everclear last night to quite my mind while I did the show as a form of self medication because my head was splitting due to withdrawal from bipolar disorder I medication for the past 5 days.   I will be carrying Everclear as stove fuel on my walk on the AT.

I went back and old favorite Immortal, and I felt like heaven.

I shared my thoughts about a sad email I got from my school on Facebook during the interview by saying, “Just felt the urge for a drink and caught myself going to QT. Stopped, turned around, and took a shot of stove fuel to save money. Everclear, firewater of the Gods. Fire in the cold I feel after being give a cold shoulder for resigning from my old school when I tried to return a book on the DASH diet. I do not feel anger for the school, I am in awe of how poorly run it is and feel compassion for the South Fulton area.”

Marianne wrote back instantly, “Kaya, here is an email I got yesterday from a high school classmate. We were trading stories as “former teachers”. Remember it is not about you, but a larger societal problem.

And then there are the rural poor.
My first husband, with a double master’s in education from the U of Wisconsin, was hired to be the Superintendent of Schools in Hague, North Dakota. The farmers and town people spoke Nieder Deutch and my 5 years of Hoch (University) German was of no help. The elementary school was in fairly good shape, the middle-high school was probably the original one room prairie school house with additions. The partial fifth and all of the sixth graders had a lovely, young teacher who was getting married and moving away. Because I was the only educated (B.A. Psyc & Philo) and unemployed person in the community, I was asked to take over. Each time I visited the soon-to-be-gone teacher, I would find her crying her eyes out. The school and students were too much for her. I must let you know, I never wanted to teach but I was naïve and wanted to help. Two of my students, were the nephew and niece of Lawrence Welk of one-uh, two-uh, three fame. Lawrence was from Strasburg, a small town north of Hague. They were two of the sweetest children I have ever met and intellectually challenged. I had a sixth grade girl who was dating a man in the Army. I had an angry father show up at our house with a gun because I had kept his son after school. My most memorable student was David m. mother an alcoholic, father worked across the border in S. Dakota in a department store. David would climb through the coal shoot on weekends and steal whatever he could. He went to his father’s work place and stole many things which he would then sell to my students. After a talk with the students about what was happening (no names used) and told them it was illegal to buy the goodies, David, a true sociopath, said that squealing was worse than stealing. David was in a reform school the next year. My husband and I were off to another rural, and 80% Hispanic, school in Wamsutter, Wyoming.
My current husband and I drove through Hague on our way to the Canadian Rockies in the 90’s. The town has blown away and died from neglect.


I wrote her, “6,000,000,000 Jews are gased, Paul Celan writes this poem, and jumps in the river Seine.”

Death Fugue

Black milk of daybreak we drink it at evening
we drink it at midday and morning we drink it at night
we drink and we drink
we shovel a grave in the air there you won’t lie too cramped
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Marguerite
he writes it and steps out of doors and the stars are all sparkling
he whistles his hounds to come close
he whistles his Jews into rows has them shovel a grave in the ground
he orders us strike up and play for the dance

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at morning and midday we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Margeurite
your ashen hair Shulamith we shovel a grave in the air there you won’t lie too cramped
He shouts jab this earth deeper you lot there you others sing up and play
he grabs for the rod in his belt he swings it his eyes are blue
jab your spades deeper you lot there you others play on for the dancing

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday and morning we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margeurite
your aschenes Haar Shulamith he plays with his vipers
He shouts play death more sweetly Death is a master from Deutschland
he shouts scrape your strings darker you’ll rise then in smoke to the sky
you’ll have a grave then in the clouds there you won’t lie too cramped

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday Death is a master aus Deutschland
we drink you at evening and morning we drink and we drink
this Death is ein Meister aus Deutschland his eye it is blue
he shoots you with shot made of lead shoots you level and true
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margarete
he looses his hounds on us grants us a grave in the air
he plays with his vipers and daydreams
der Tod is ein Meister aus Deutschland
dein goldenes Haar Margarete
dein aschenes Haar Shulamith

Paul Celan

I wrote, “I mean 6,000,000.  6,000,000,000 is for this century.”  She wrote back, “I knew that.”

Steph and I talked during this conversation and tried to fix the problems with the radio station that Dan was having in Moab.  It did not work so Dan and I agreed, after talking for a while to try another day.  Maybe on the AT?  I made this video as a prayer, please pray for me and for all who suffer like the woman I talked to for a couple of hours last night after the show whose daughter was sexually abused and offered me a natural doctor in Honduras.  She suggested Juicing.  I told her about the Green Smoothie.  Okay, enough.  Here is the prayer.  Pray.

I am going to be creating a poem map of the AT.  Death Fugue goes on the first shelter.

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InnerLight Enlightenment by Dr. William Kaya Erbil is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

About kayaerbil

I am a Berkeley educated chemistry Ph.D. who is moving into the area of working on developing appropriate technology for communities that are subjected to socio-economic oppression. The goal is to use simple and effective designs to empower people to live better lives. Currently, I am working with Native Americans on Pine Ridge, the Lakota reservation in South Dakota. I am working with a Native owned and run solar energy company. We are currently working on building a compressed earth block (CEB) house that showcases many of the technologies that the company has developed. The CEB house is made of locally derived resources, earth from the reservation. The blocks are naturally thermally insulating, keeping the house cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Eventually, a solar air heater and photovoltaic panels will be installed into the house to power the home and keep it warm, while preserving the house off the grid. A side project while in Pine Ridge is a solar computer. I hope to learn about blockchain encryption software for building microgrids. In addition, it is an immediate interest of mine to involve local youth in technology education.
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